(The Devil Loves Your Insecurities) Through the Storm – My Story Part 5

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Somewhere deep down, we all feel some level of inadequacy, like we are not good enough. For me, the journey had been a lot worse. It all started in high school, where I got bullied like nothing else. I was bullied by my classmates, I was bullied by the older students. Many times, they threatened to attack me, and sometimes they did fight me. I remember getting into two fights in high school, I remember losing both. I always felt unworthy. At home, my parents did not make things any better. They talked down to me sometimes, and genuinely said things that hurt my feelings. I know my mother did not mean it when she said to me, “you are not a child, you are a mistake that I brought home from the hospital”. Those things were hurtful, and coming from one’s mother, even worse. In the culture where I come from, parents freely say such things to their children, and it is not considered a big deal, but I was hurt. It wasn’t just me, but a lot of other children too, who were hurting because of that horrible system. When I was about 5 years old, my mother had one of our uncles live with us and watch over us. He was my mother’s half brother, and therefore my half-uncle. He would always sexually harass me. I remember that whenever my parents left for work, I would immediately go to look for a place to hide, because I knew he would come to look for me, and he always did. I never told my parents because I felt that they would not believe me, or that they would not care. After a year, my half-uncle left and went to live somewhere else. I was happy, he was gone. Then, my half-aunty (his younger sister) came to live with us, and she was just like him, she sexually harassed me. As a 5 year old, I could conceptualize that relations between a man and woman was wrong, but I did not understand lesbianism, or woman to woman relations. She would always sit on me against my will and did a whole lot of sexual things that I never consented to. I learned a lot of horrible things from her. As a child, I did not know any better, I always tried the things she tried with me with my female friends, and to my surprise, they always consented to it. As a kid who was always indoors, my peers at that age were light years above where I was in their understanding of what sexual relations were, and they consented to it. Looking back, it was so weird. I realized after about a year at age 7, that all of that was wrong, and I stopped. Those experiences were only the beginning. Over the years, I paid attention to the things people said about me, the way they treated me, and it made me feel unworthy. Many times I asked myself why God even bothered to create me. Sometimes I feel like I do not deserve to be loved, and I run away from men who claim to love me. These experiences have also led me to insecurity. Whenever I am deep in insecurity and sadness, I find that I tend to sin a lot more. It took me a long time to realize that the devil was using my pain to tempt me into sin. The devil was using my insecurities against me. I am thankful to God for opening my eyes to see the truth. Whenever I feel down, God would always show me a sign to show that he cares, in those moments, those signs are usually not enough to take me away from my pain, but I am glad to know that someone (God) is watching.

Psalm 71: 15-18

My mouth will tell of your righteous acts, of your deeds of salvation all the day, for their number is past my knowledge. With the mighty deeds of the Lord God I will come; I will remind them of your righteousness, yours alone. O God, from my youth you have taught me, and I still proclaim your wondrous deeds. So even to old age and gray hairs, O God, do not forsake me, until I proclaim your might to another generation, your power to all those to come.

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